Dear God: Thank you for showing me the way out of temptation and into the blessing and discipline of singleness.
Abstinence. Celibacy. Single. Married. Divorced. They are all words.
More importantly, they are all choices.
And more often than not, they are related to that three letter word that so many people have trouble discussing.
I did not wake up one morning and decide “I’m not going to have sex for seven years”.
I did not suddenly decide, “I think I am going to stop dating for a while.”
I DID wake up one morning after having sex with someone I wasn’t married to yet madly in love with and cry my eyes out.
It wasn’t the first time. He never noticed my silent tears.
The agony of immeasurable pleasure combined with unbearable guilt.
But my soul was tired.
I wasn’t mad at men.
I was tired of enjoying the best sex ever and IMMEDIATELY feeling disconnected from the one I love the most: GOD.
I was tired of starting my prayers with “God, I’m sorry, I did it again and it’s really hard for me to stay away because I LOVE him.”
I was tired of not feeling free to take my problems to God because I KNEW I was INTENTIONALLY sinning.
I was tired of trying to ignore God whispering in my ear as I got myself all dressed up and smelling good for my booty call.
And most importantly, I was tired of not enjoying the full benefits of living a life COMPLETELY lived for God.
It wasn’t random sex.
It was someone I loved more than I had ever loved before.
I was monogamous.
But, I ended the relationship.
When it was over, I was sad. I even tried to go back.
I couldn’t understand how I could hurt so much.
I couldn’t understand how we both could love each other so much and not find a way to make it work.
I couldn’t understand why I could feel so convicted for doing something that felt so good, so spiritual.
But, I KNEW: I NEEDED to obey God.
What was I to do? Go find another man to sleep with?
Nope. It would not have been the same. I only wanted that man.
I realized that each time I gave my body to that man, I was taking something away from God.
I was also depriving myself. Depriving myself of a clean conscience.
It didn’t matter what others around me did. I knew what God told ME!
After that, when a man approached me, I turned him down. I needed to learn the art of discipline.
I had spent so many years of my life, using my body for my OWN pleasure, that I knew I needed to do some SOUL CLEANSING.
So I took it one day at a time. One guy at a time. One No at a time. And now, I have not only days of celibacy, I have YEARS of celibacy.
Do I miss a relationship? Yup!
Do I desire companionship? Yup.
But, this time, I’m waiting on God.
Are there times I want sex?
Um, heck YEAH!
I KNOW what I NEED, WANT and DESERVE in a relationship and I won’t settle anymore.
And as I learned discipline, guess what happened?