Clichés abound when it comes to the subject of relationships and dating, and the overwhelming majority of those agonizing statements being directed at the female side of the relationship equation. Think about it, how many times have women heard this volley of he’s just not that into you hits: “I think we should see other people,” “I love you, but I’m not in love with you,” or these gems, “let’s just be friends,” or even, “I think I might be gay.”
The lengths some men will go to avoid commitment are absolutely staggering. But what if the man you’re interested in really is incapable of being involved in a serious relationship, what if he really can’t cross the sands to become one part of a romantic pair.
Acclaimed relationship expert and noted sociologist Lyn Lewis says nonviable relationships boil down to one basic precept, you’ve got your sights set on the wrong man, a man she describes in her new self-help relationship guide as an ‘Ineligible Bachelor.’ In Don’t Hate the Player, Learn the Game: How to Spot an Ineligible Bachelor, Lewis says while the behavior may differ from man to man there are common traits that keep them from forming productive, long-term relationships.
“An ineligible bachelor is a single male who is not interested in a committed relationship or marriage. Even though he is single by his marital status, he is ineligible because eligibility is a state of mind. If he’s thinking ineligibility, he is in ineligible,” explains Lewis, who specializes in marriage and family relationships.
“When I was a professor of sociology at University of Detroit Mercy, I noticed a pattern emerging in the ‘life talks’ I had with my students. … The men would talk about their desires not to be committed and not to marry any time soon. It seemed as if as they were more interested in non-committed relationships and they would forego marriage for quite some time,” explained Lewis. “I saw a similar pattern with my single clients who came in for relationship therapy. Women were very much interested in marriage and being a part of a committed relationship and men were reluctant to want commitment. They tended to express a desire to ‘play the field.”
Lewis, urges women to exercise an enhanced sense of caution and to be more discerning when selecting a potential mate.
“There are two major categories of ineligible bachelors. One category is the Truth Teller. The Truth Tellers are the men that will tell the women enough of their truth so that women can make an informed, insightful, objective decision,” says Lewis citing a litany of examples of men disclosing their aversion to serious relationships.
“The other large group is the ‘Betrayers.’ The Betrayers are men who intentionally set out to deceive women and map out a strategy or premeditated plan where they can manipulate the women and get the women to do what they want them to do even though these men have presented themselves fraudulently.”
Don’t Hate the Player, Learn the Game: How to Spot an Ineligible Bachelor, shares hard hitting candid advice for women and men considering romance and relationships. Lewis has been kind enough and thoughtful enough regarding her reader’s sensibilities to soften the blow with a poetic introduction to each chapter. “I wanted to give a poetic introduction to the chapter to capture a person to read it and give them more than just your regular chapter content to connect to. That’s why sometimes people are more willing to accept a certain type of behavior, because it is poetically described.”
But the big takeaway for Don’t Hate the Player, Learn the Game: How to Spot an Ineligible Bachelor, is for men and women to value the truth of a relationship and proceed with caution when the warning signs are there.