Fear, stubbornness, ignorance, procrastination, resignation – for singles or couples longing for love, these are among the deadly sins, according to relationship expert Ernest Quansah.
“These are the psychological traits which singles and many couples use as excuses,” says Quansah, author of Do’s and Don’ts of Relationships: Nine Steps to a Deeper, Richer Love Relationship, 2nd edition.
“I hear it all the time; singles or married couples say they’re not rich enough, or they need to lose weight, or they just don’t think they’ll find what they want. But I say nothing is perfect, and if you think that you’ll only be good enough when you’ve lost five pounds, or have a nice car or a bigger house, then you will never be ‘good enough.’”
Just as people need a plan in order to give themselves a chance with other New Year’s resolutions, such as weight loss or a career move, so too is the case with finding permanent love. Quansah says singles and couples need to answer six questions while pursuing love and true happiness:
• What is my goal? For each question, jot down what you are really looking for. Are you looking for a lifelong partner, just a date on Valentine’s Day, or for your marriage to work?
• What am I doing to achieve my goal? Striking a balance is important. Doing too much, like spending a lot of money on a new look or being too negative, can be relationship killers because they are not permanent solutions and this makes achieving your goal difficult. If you’re act like yourself, you’ll be more comfortable and self-confident – and those are attractive qualities!
• What might prevent me from achieving my goal? Fault finding in potential love interest or in a marriage, for example, can hinder the flow of success.
• What methods have not worked for me? Mistakes are to be expected – nobody’s perfect. But they should only be acceptable as long as you’ve learned something from them. Look back and do a review. If you have approached dating or relationship success in ways that keep failing, it is time to change!
• What methods have worked for me? Everybody has qualities that make them good at some things and not so great in other areas. Focus on your strengths; if you have used methods that brought you success in dating or in your marriage, you should use those methods because they will yield result. But do not be afraid to test the waters with new ideas.
• What will it feel like when I succeed? If you cannot envision the taste of success, you may be less motivated to go the extra mile for true love. Think about how nice it would feel to have meaningful companionship, bring someone home to meet the family, and maybe even start a family of your own.